Apologies to Last a Lifetime
by AnBarista
Summary: He didn't need an apology from her and she didn't need one from him. But here they were reunited and they only thing they could do was cling to each other, realize their feelings, and apologize...


Apologies to Last a Lifetime

The breeze was a vast difference from the stillness that she had left in that room. The view colorful and spectacular in comparison to the stark whiteness that haunted her dreams. The waves loud rather than the uneasy quiet of her cell. The ocean stretched for miles. Endless water. Endless sky. Endless possibilities. As the sun set she knew that she would just stay in her spot. Instead of the oranges, pinks, and reds she would relish in the dark blues, and blacks, and the beautiful beauty of the moon reflecting off the shiny surface of the water. She wouldn't retreat to the cabin she shared with Jasper and Bellamy because one of two things happened when she closed her eyes: She would see white and hear the screams of those they lost at Mount Weather or worse she would relive the moment that she pulled that lever on the drop ship and that door would raise up and she would watch Bellamy fighting for his life.

Silent tears dropped from her eyes. She had gotten good at crying quietly so she wouldn't wake up Bellamy or Jasper in the middle of the night. She didn't want Jasper to worry, she didn't want Bellamy to think she was weak. He would have come out of Mount Weather a man on fire. He wouldn't have given up he would have broken out and gotten everyone else out too and killed anybody standing in his way. He would have come out still the leader of the 100, still Bellamy Blake, a warrior.

She may have survived the whole ordeal but she was broken, and she wasn't sure she would ever run right again. Why they still looked to her she didn't know. It's not like she got them out. She tried to take them away from the camp and they lost people. She tried to stay and fight and it backfired. She shut the door on Bellamy. And Finn. She opened the door and walked right out into the hands of the Mountain Men. She got them locked up. She gave up. She stopped fighting. And even now she was more of a silent support to Bellamy, standing by his side and agreeing to the decisions he made. Even when people came to her unless it was a medical reason she told them she would have to check with Bellamy or simply sent them to Bellamy herself. She almost killed him and now she was forcing him to run this group of people by himself.

She was a mess.

A sob escaped her lips as she fisted her hands in the sand.

"Clarke?"

She silenced herself quickly and wiped at the tears on her face, "Yeah?" she turned and looked up at Bellamy.

"What are you still doing out here?"

The sun had set long ago and the moon lit up his face.

"Couldn't sleep," She shrugged.

Bellamy crossed his arms over his chest, "You didn't try. You haven't been back at the cabin all day."

Damn, he was good, "You're right." Clarke stood, "I'll come back and try now. Jasper asleep?"

"Jasper's on patrol. I just got done I was walking back when I saw you." Bellamy explained, "Wait." He grabbed her arm right above her elbow as she started to walk back to the cabin, "What's going on with you?"

Clarke blinked several times before answering, "What do you mean?"

Bellamy looked out at the water and then back into Clarke's blue eyes. He always thought of the water when he looked into her eyes. Her eyes were always so calming, water was calm, yet they could display a ferocity that he admired, same with water.

"Bellamy?"

He looked back at her, "You just don't seem like yourself. You're here but you're not. You're like a shell. Just tell me what happened in there. Maybe I can help you, maybe you'll feel better if you talk about it?"

Nightmares, that's what happened in there. Nightmares of watching the man in front of her die. Nightmares of watching him burn, him begging for her to wait just one more minute. Nightmares of him and Finn being finished off by reapers if the fire didn't take them.

"I'm sorry," She finally whispered.

Bellamy's eyes narrowed in confusion, "Sorry? What are you sorry for?"

And the flood gates opened…

"I'm sorry for not coming to help you against that Grounder. I'm sorry for leaving you out there. I'm sorry for closing that door. I'm sorry for arguing with you. I'm sorry for not supporting you more from the beginning. I'm sorry for closing that door." It didn't go unnoticed to Bellamy that she had already said that, "I'm sorry for not being stronger. I'm sorry for pressing the button to lift off. I'm sorry for closing that door. God, I'm so sorry for leaving you, for closing that door. I'm sorry for-"

"Clarke!" Bellamy exclaimed to get her to stop grabbing her by the shoulders, "You don't have to be sorry. I should be the one apologizing."

"What?" Clarke was almost angry as she pushed him away, "What in the hell do you have to be sorry for? You survived Bellamy. _I _shut that door. _I_ pressed the button. _I_ left you there. Don't apologize to me. _You_ lived. _You_ got our people out. _You_ saved-" Her voice caught in her throat, "You saved me." She finally whispered.

"And you don't think you saved me?"

Clarke peered up at his face trying to read him.

Bellamy laughed humorlessly, "Clarke, you've saved me countless times since we've landed on this God forsaken rock and I don't just mean in a medical since. You ended Atom's pain when I couldn't, you kept me from having to kill my friend. You informed me of a bunch of medical crap that I would have had no clue about which saved not only me but everybody else. You pushed to get those radios working so we could get information from the Ark. You saved me when you convinced me I wasn't a monster. You saved me when you told me you needed me. You made me feel needed and wanted something I haven't felt in a very long time. You kept me from killing unnecessarily, you kept me human, and I let you down."

Bellamy swallowed and looked at his feet, "I should have been stronger too. I should have just ran to that drop ship when I heard you call my name. We work better together we always have and I can't tell you how lost I was when you were locked inside that mountain. How often I found myself saying 'what would Clarke do right now?' I needed you and that's why I fought so hard to get to you. I knew that I wouldn't make it much longer without you. So I'm sorry I wasn't faster, that I couldn't get to you before they did whatever they did to you, that you can't sleep because of those horrors." He stepped forward and cupped her face, "But I'll spend a lifetime apologizing if you'll just let me in. You don't have to do this alone."

Clarke started crying again, forgoing the quietness she currently favored and let herself collapse in his arms, "You," She sniffed, "My nightmares are about you dying."

"What?" He pulled back some to look at her.

"Closing the door, the fire. All I see over and over again is you dying. It was horrible in Mount Weather don't get me wrong but they hadn't even gotten to me yet. They were saving me for last. The torture I experienced in there was thinking you had died, that I would never see you again, and that it was all my fault. So _I'll_ apologize for a lifetime if you'll just forgive me every time I do." She smiled sheepishly at him admitting that Mount Weather wasn't the nightmare she was living with.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Bellamy pleaded, "Were in this together Clarke. I'm not mad at you."

"Don't say you'd do the same thing," Clarke shook her head where it rested on his chest.

Bellamy thought for a moment and realized she was right. He placed a hand under her chin to lift her face to his and used that same hand to cup her face lightly stroking his thumb over the apple of her cheek, "You're right but that's because I'm not as strong as you. I wouldn't have been able to put our people before you. I would have made them keep that door open because I'm selfish and you are what matters to me. The door may have closed but I would have been with you and our people would be with no leader and where would that have left us. They should be thankful that you were the one on the other side of that door and not me because I wouldn't have been able to leave you, I can't leave you. Without Octavia you're all I have left and I can't lose you both."

"We will find Octavia again," Clarke said firmly reassuring him.

Bellamy nodded and wrapped his other hand around her waist tugging her a little closer, "I know, but if I had lost you both…I wouldn't be able to do this. I need you to come back to me, Clarke, I'm more than willing to help you through all of your nightmares and reassure you that I'm here that I'm not going anywhere, that you are the leader that you needed to be and that you are strong, stronger than any of us, but I need you back. I don't just want you by my side. I want you challenging me, I want you working with me. Be that Queen to my King because I can't do this alone."

Clarke stared at him for a moment before a small smile tugged at her lips and Bellamy relished in seeing the spark return to her eyes, "I thought I was your Princess?"

Bellamy laughed, "I think after all of this you deserve a promotion."

Clarke threw her arms around his neck and buried her face in his neck breathing in his familiar scent, "I thought I lost you."

"You're never going to lose me, and I'm never letting anything separate us again." Bellamy mumbled into her neck as he squeezed her tight.

"Ever?" She pulled back some and rested her forehead on his and he shook his head, "Good because I hate silence and I hate being alone."

Bellamy tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "You don't have to be alone anymore, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

Clarke looked into the chocolate depths of his eyes and remembered the few dreams she had in Mount Weather, "I dreamt about you too, ya know?"

"My ruggedly handsome good looks have graced many dreams I'm sure," He smirked at her and she laughed.

"I'm serious," She rewarded him with another smile and he could see the old Clarke coming back.

"What were they about?"

She thought about the lazy mornings and the dark haired blue eyed children that painted her dream and the warm kisses and comforting hugs. Bellamy had no idea she felt that way, hell she didn't know until she didn't have him anymore.

"Clarke?" Bellamy asked worried as her face began to turn red.

"You know what never mind just know they were good," She patted his chest and turned to head towards their cabin.

"Wait a minute!" He snagged her arm and spun her around to face him, "You can't just leave a guy hanging like that. Come on tell me. Did we not argue for a change? Or maybe we landed in the middle of forest filled with candy in the trees, or hell I'd take fruit."

Clarke bit her lip, "No not exactly."

"I'm dying here you gotta tell me," He spread his arms open wide and chuckled.

Clarke frowned, "Don't joke about dying."

Bellamy sobered immediately, "You're right I'm sorry." He took a small step closer, "Please tell me. I don't just want to hear about your nightmares Clarke, I want to hear about your dreams too. All of them."

The way he looked at her told her that he was trying to convey something more with his words, something that went unspoken between them for some time now but that they couldn't ignore any longer not when they both thought that they had lost one another. So Clarke took a leap and hoped that he would be there to catch her.

"My dreams were about this," She gestured to the two of them.

Bellamy raised an eyebrow, "Us talking on a beach?"

He was so clueless sometimes and it was adorable, "No, Bellamy, this." She lifted onto her toes and kissed him softly. She was tentative at first not sure how he would react and when he didn't respond right away she pulled back.

"Where are you going?" He mumbled and kissed her again pulling her closer as he deepened it.

She clung to him as her lungs burned for air but she didn't want it to stop. For too long she thought he was dead, thought she would never get the chance to do this and now she never wanted it to end.

Bellamy's head was spinning, whether from lack of oxygen or the fact that he was finally kissing Clarke he didn't care as long as she didn't stop.

They did finally stop though as they panted heavily, foreheads resting against each other's, "My dreams were all about that."

"Damn those are some good dreams," Bellamy huffed.

Clarke kissed him again quickly, "Not as good as reality though."

"Well of course not I'm actually here," He said as if it were obvious.

Clarke slapped his arm playfully, "I'm sorry for being so out of it for so long."

"Stop apologizing. As long as you stay here with me, lead with me, I don't need it."

Clarke nodded.

"I'm not ok," She admitted, "And I probably won't be for some time, just be patient with me?"

"Listen to me, we'll go as slow as you need but I need you to be honest with me, to talk with me, let me know where your head is at. We're in this together don't shut me out again." Bellamy kissed her forehead and pulled her into a hug, "Now you must be exhausted because I know you haven't been sleeping, you want to give it a try tonight?"

Clarke chuckled, "Sleeping sounds nice."

They walked back to the cabin they shared with Jasper and as Clarke headed to her bed Bellamy tugged on her hand, "Why don't you try it with me tonight see if it helps." He whispered.

She hesitated but toed off her boots and threw her jacket on the small table in the middle of the cabin and crawled into his bed. Bellamy followed soon after and wrapped his arms around her waist tugging her back against his chest. It felt nice, she felt warm and safe and before long she drifted off to sleep.

As the months passed and winter turned into spring and spring into summer, Clarke held true to her promise. She continuously talked to Bellamy about her dreams and nightmares but she got better with his help. He held her every night as she slept and the nightmares stayed at bay because she somehow knew that he was right next to her. Every time Bellamy felt his own demons and insecurities chip away at his exterior Clarke was there to remind him how far they had gotten and that he was the reason.

Every time she felt lonely she would crawl into his lap and hold onto him tight and just kiss him. The first time they actually slept together, he was patient and slow with her and she felt so full with emotion she thought she was going to burst. She cried when it was over and Bellamy thought he had done something wrong but she shook her head and told him that she just didn't realize she could love one person so much.

He smiled at her and blushed before responding softly, "I love you too."

They got word from Octavia in the middle of the summer by a carrier pigeon. The camp was fascinated more with the pigeon then the actual letter the large bird was carrying. It said she was ok, that she was with Lincoln's tribe and was healing nicely.

It was the first night in months that Bellamy slept with no nightmares.

Everything was better. The camp was flourishing, Octavia was ok, Clarke was getting to be her old self, and their relationship was growing stronger every day so for the life of him he couldn't figure out why he found himself exactly one year later tracking down Clarke yet again sitting quietly on the beach heavy in thought.

"I've been looking everywhere for you," He mumbled as he sat down beside her.

Clarke looked at him, anticipation and worry etched across her face.

"What's wrong?" She didn't answer him, "Clarke Griffin you promised me that you wouldn't do this again."

Clarke sighed, "Bellamy I'm not shutting you out I'm just trying to find the words just shut up for a minute." Bellamy waited and stared at her, "Ok so you remember those dreams I told you about a year ago?" Bellamy smirked and nodded, "Well kissing you isn't the only thing I dreamed about."

"Ok," Bellamy drawled out unsure where this conversation was heading.

"I dreamed about other things that happened between us to," She was blushing furiously and he was trying hard not to laugh.

"Yeah, babe, I think we've got that covered too. We actually cover that a lot," He chuckled, "Like a lot."

"Bellamy!" Clarke exclaimed.

"What it's true," He smiled.

Clarke rolled her eyes, "Yes I'm well aware. I'm not talking about that though I'm talking about little people." She realized she could not be more awkward in this conversation.

"Midgets?" Bellamy asked.

"Oh my God!" Clarke shouted standing up and throwing her hands up, "You are such a child,"

Bellamy froze at the word child, "Little people," He mumbled and looked up at her retreating form, "Wait, Clarke." He stood up and ran after her and snagged her by the waist turning her around, "Are you pregnant?"

Clarke looked like she was about to cry, "I'm sorry I should have been more careful and I wasn't sure until today. I just-I'm sorry."

Bellamy placed a hand over her stomach in awe, "What the hell are you sorry for? For one it takes two people and second- why are you crying?" he was so confused.

"Because I thought you would be mad!" Clarke was frustrated, with these stupid hormones and with Bellamy she just wasn't sure why she was frustrated with him but she figured it had to do with the stupid hormones again.

"Mad? Baby, why would I be mad? I'm excited!" He laughed and gazed down at her stomach again, "I'm going to be a Daddy."

Clarke nodded and broke out in to tears again as she jumped into his arms and he spun her around.

He placed her back on her feet his mind going a hundred miles a minute, "We need to talk to Monty about herbs and plants to help with your pregnancy, we need to tell Jasper in general, I need to tell Miller too, we need to reduce the amount of shit you do because you don't need to be over exerting yourself, I need to find that damn pigeon so I can tell Octavia she'll want to be here when the baby is born-"

"Bellamy, Bellamy," Clarke placed her hands on his chest to get him to stop, "Can you just enjoy it with me for a few minutes?"

Bellamy stopped and looked at her before kissing her softly, "Of course." He kissed her again for a few more minutes before pulling her into his arms as they turned to watch the sunset.

"Thank you for coming to find me that day," Clarke whispered to him, "Thank you for forgiving me."

"Thank you for forgiving me," Bellamy mumbled into her hair, "I thought I would have to apologize for a lifetime."

"After all you've given me, Bellamy Blake," She said quietly moving his hand to her stomach, "You're apology will last a lifetime. You are forgiven for a lifetime."

"You too baby you too," He kissed her cheek.

Nine months later Jackson Atom Blake made his debut appearance after 27 hours of labor and needless to say Bellamy apologized a whole lot. However, when he held his son he wasn't really sorry at all.


End file.
